


Cigarette

by gregthepaladin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Sad, Smoking, Unrequited Love, Wistful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-24
Updated: 2012-03-24
Packaged: 2017-11-02 10:58:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/368239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gregthepaladin/pseuds/gregthepaladin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxy smokes a cigarette with Dirk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cigarette

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kimoi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimoi/gifts).



We sit together, sometimes.

He doesn't smoke anymore but I still do. He quit because Jake pestered him out of it. Occasionally I can pester him into it, but I don't usually feel like I need to. Or like I should.

I got him to smoke with me this time, though.

"So you're happy with him, then?"

He takes a drag and ashes in the tray. He smiles more with his posture than his face. "I am." He means it, and maybe that hurts.

"Good. You deserve that, Dirk."

"What about you?"

What about me? "I'm pretty happy." I say it more with my face than my posture. I don't mean it. 

It hurts. It hurts every day, even when I can't feel it or I forget about it.

"I'm pretty happy. I have my cats."

"That's probably the saddest thing a person can say to another person, Roxy."

I laugh and flick ash at him.

"Are you happy, seriously?"

I don't really recoil when asked questions like that, anymore. I used to deflect, or change the subject, or answer in a way that satisfied the person but didn't really say anything at all. Or make a joke about cats. I'm really good at all of that. Now, when someone asks me serious questions, I try and answer them honestly.

It's really, really hard to answer Dirk honestly. But I do.

"I don't...no, I don't think I'm happy. I wouldn't say I'm a happy person. I'm successful. I legally own the house now, and I get real work done every day." No, stop. I'm just deflecting his question. "I have people over sometimes. It's nice for a while but I don't love any of them."

I can't make eye contact with him when I say that because he knows I am still in love with him. We both know that and it doesn't make it any easier. He is in love with Jake and that's okay. He can make his own decisions and he doesn't owe me anything just because of what I feel for him. But it still hurts, every day.

He puts his hand on my knee.

"I'm sorry Roxy."

I look at him and all the longing and hurt and want is there, but I have to laugh it off. "Dirk, don't be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for. Where I am in life isn't your fault."

"I wish I could be that for you, though."

I know. "I know." I link my fingers with his, holding his hand down on my knee.

I finish my cigarette. I don't let go of his hand. "That's probably the saddest thing a person can say to another person, Dirk."

We both laugh.


End file.
